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MEET THE COOKIES
Three variations of chocolate: dark chocolate, rich chocolate and milk chocolate. A mix of both chips and chunks for textural variation. Caramelized butter based dough with the slightest hint of coffee to leave your taste buds guessing. Maldon sea salt, just a pinch, to make you salivate and balance the sweetness.
You don’t need candles on your birthday cake. It never bodes well. It’s a fumbling race to light the things, it defaces the cake, it’s a public health calamity and, not to mention, if folks thought melted wax was tastey you’d see more customers in Yankee Candle with spoons in their hands, digging into a jar of “Autumn Wreath” like a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. So, this year, do yourself a favor, do all of us a favor: lose the candles and just eat this birthday cake cookie instead.
Cake batter. Why? Uhm… because it’s a birthday cake cookie? Caramelized butter because it’s way tastier (and boujier) than regular butter. Vanilla frosting because everyone hates the asshat that shows up to the Birthday party with some super random icing flavor. Oh, and there is also confetti and sprinkles because we’re celebrating your pretty face.
There is a secret underground society of peanut butter lovers called the Adult Peanut Butter Lovers Fan Club. Members include Bill Clinton and Madonna. We named this cookie the latter for obvious reasons. She’s hotter. With most Peanut Butter Cookies you get but a faint tickle of Peanut Butter. With The Madonna, you’ll feel like you’re caught in a delicious peanut butter thunderstorm.
Peanut Butter, always natural. Peanut Butter cups and chips. Peanut Butter Swirl. Milk Chocolate. Maldon Sea Salt, sprinkled to taste.
This cookie is as Lemony as Snickett. It’ll make your sucker pucker. Goddamn, that last bit was just wildly inappropriate. Anyway, while most lemon bars are as underwhelming as a week-old party balloon, our Lemon Bar Cookie actually tastes like lemons are at the party. We're not talking about the bitter old woman at the party either. In fact, these lemon bar cookies pack enough zest to knock her dupa right off the couch. We’ll shut the hell up and let the ingredients speak for themselves.
Lemon, obviously. Lemon Zest (for zest). Marshmallow and vanilla chips to add some fluffy, gooey, fatty sweetness to that zest.
Do you remember playing The Floor Is Lava as kids and there’d always be that little punk that'd lie about not touching the floor? Oh. Okay. Sick. Karen has intergalactic lava boots, everyone. Anyway, we’ve created a chocolate lava cake called The Floor Is Lava because it just sounds better. This cookie is chocolate everything and stuffed with a thick chocolate Ganache that will leave your taste buds feeling like they’re on another planet… like Karen’s boots.
Milk chocolate. Dark chocolate. Dutch chocolate. Okay, now we’re just showing off. Espresso, just a hint not enough to leave you jumping off the walls like you’re playing the floor is lava. And, in the center of all of it there is ooey-gooey chocolate core made of ganache, just a fancy schmancy word for chocolate cream.
If we know anything about White Chocolate Macadamia Cookies, it’s that everyone's old man seems to love them. We’re not sure what it is but as soon as men turn forty they suddenly start rocking white New Balances and choosing White Chocolate Macadamia over Chocolate Chip. We’re lowering the age threshold here by breathing some life into this nostalgic cookie… with some salted caramel.
Macadamia Nuts, toasted. Butter, caramelized. Caramel, salted. Extra rich thick cut white chocolate chunks. A nice sprinkling of Maldon Sea Salt.
Jimmy just got turned down by the girl of his dreams, Susie. He asks her if she wants to grab a milkshake after the game. She says no on account of her crush on the star quarterback… Classic. Post-rejection Jimmy trudges down to the diner all by his lonesome. He hears the roar of the stadium in the distance, envisioning Susie cheering on her knight in shining armor. He orders an Oreo milkshake. Years later, Susie’s claim to fame is the time she turned down an Oreo Milkshake with James Dean.
Milk, malted. Malt balls. Light Cocoa. Chocolate, both white and semi-sweet. Oreo’s, in fat chunks because no one likes Oreo pixy-dust.
Red Velvet is a complicated flavor most folks can’t put their finger on… besides maybe your slightly robust aunt who let’s out tiny moans of delight with each forkful at Christmas. Anyway, because of its difficult complicated taste, it’s notorious for being the most “half-assed” dessert in the bakery. Most bakers just take a chocolate cake, drench it with red food coloring and call it a day. Not us.
Apple Cider Vinegar (for the twang). Buttermilk powder (for more twang). Light cocoa base (for a sweet twang). Homemade extra velvety cream cheese frosting to make your taste buds feel like they’re on an emotional roller-coaster. Red food coloring? Go f*ck yourself.
Blueberries are far too damn good to be limited to muffins, bundt cakes and strange childhood hymns. Or, at least, this was the story we told ourselves when we drank so much whiskey we decided to take on the Muffin Man with our take on a blueberry muffin cookie. Let’s just say it was a sweet success. You really see the true colors of someone when they deal with adversity and you wouldn’t believe how he’s been acting. The Muffin Man is a real johnny raincloud when things aren’t going his way.
Wild blueberries from Maine or somewhere near Maine. Those same wild blueberries made into a puree. And, of course, streusel. Crafted on Drury Lane directly across from the Muffin Man’s headquarters.
We’ve all been there. Netflix on pause, tip-toeing into the kitchen and rifling through the cabinets until we stumble upon a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, glowing, like a dream come true. We pour a heaping bowl, swing open the fridge and to our horror, spy not a single drip of milk anywhere in sight. We’re in denial, we search in desperation, tears in our eyes... That’s why we’ve made a Cinnamon Toast Crunch cookie with a vanilla milk swirl included. You’re welcome.
Cinnamon, duh. Sugar, duh. Everything nice, duh. Cinnamon streusel, cinnamon graham cracker crust and a generous vanilla milk swirl because we fucking love you. Oh, and we stuff the damn thing with a cinnamon bun filling because we’re deviants.
Sorry, granny, there's just no excuse for a subpar S’mores cookie. The chocolate shouldn’t be as hard as a rock and the graham cracker shouldn’t be soggy like a grubby little two-year-old has been using it to teethe. No, a S’mores cookie needs to hit like a proper toe toaster. We’re talking cookie dough crafted from graham crackers. We’re talking velvety milk chocolate, stupid soft, like it’s been sitting near a fire. We’re talking a massive torched marshmallow to top the whole thing off.
Fat, fluffy marshmallows, toasted. Dark chocolate for bite. Milk chocolate for love. Cinnamon Graham cracker crust (because what’s a S’more without some Graham Crackers). And, a drizzle of dark chocolate to add the perfect amount of bite.
We love all our cookies with an oven-hot fiery passion. However, if tomorrow Zeus sent down a thunderbolt that sent our cookie factory into a blaze, and we could only save one recipe, it’d be our Banana Cream Pie. In the words of our head chef, “Our Banana Cream Pie cookie is the best damn cookie we have.” Real, ripe, electric yellow, peel-to-eat bananas accompanied by velvety marshmallows, voluptuous pudding, vanilla wafers and white chocolate chips that melt as soon as they touch your tongue.
Marshmallows, thick. Pudding, extra-thick. Ivory white chocolate. Crispy (never soggy) vanilla wafers. Banana. Like, the actual banana not the fake kind that our chemists will have to lie about years down the road. We don’t even have chemists.
Cocoa Powder, as dark as night. Milk Chocolate. Fresh Strawberry Preserve Filling that your grandmama would beat a fruit vendor to spread over her biscuits. Chocolate Ganache Filling (raises pinky). All protected within a Dark Chocolate shell and festooned with a Vanilla A’Peels Drizzle for stylistic flair.
Cocoa Powder, as dark as night. Milk Chocolate. Fresh Strawberry Preserve Filling that your grandmama would beat a fruit vendor to spread over her biscuits. Chocolate Ganache Filling (raises pinky). All protected within a Dark Chocolate shell and festooned with a Vanilla A’Peels Drizzle for stylistic flair.
Cookies and Cream is a flavor of dessert made with chocolate sandwich cookies stuffed with a sweet, fairly thick, putty-like cream. If that reads like the definition of an Oreo, that’s because it is. The cookie is so widely beloved by Americans that they’ve coined themselves “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.” And, while we respect the heck out of Oreo, they’ve been ruling for over a century now and we feel it’s time for someone else to sit on the throne. Meet milk’s new favorite cookie... Creme de la Crumb.
Oreos and a whole lot of them. Oreo Filling Swirl made in-house to fill in the gaps. Chocolate, semisweet like you. Layers and layers of Vanilla Buttercream. And, to top it all of, a homemade Oreo Crumble
The Doughboy is creepy. He’s not even a boy. Sure, he has an adolescent’s voice. But, this isn’t Napoleonic France. If a child were spotted working a full-time gig as a baker, somebody would be going to court. He’s very much a man disguised as a boy. Heck, he doesn’t even bake the cinnamon rolls for you. Here at Last Crumb, we don’t employ adolescents. And, we actually bake your cookies for you. Like this Cinnamon Roll Cookie that’s so delicious, it’s making the doughboy shake in his toque.
There are the microwaveable cinnamon rolls you have to beat against your countertop like a sick twisted game of whack-a-mole and then there is this one. Cinnamon, like you’ve never tasted before. Cinnamon swirl so picturesque you’d want to hang it on your living room wall. Vanilla Bean Cream Cheese Icing, frantically blanketed over the top of this mound like a worried mother whose child has caught a cold.
In writing this description, we caught wind of a rumor that if you type Florida Man into Google News you will be answered with headlines so unbelievable that you’d think they were written for an episode of Reno 911. So, we gave it a try and here’s what we found. Florida Man... Attacked During Selfie With Squirrel. Florida Man... Florida Man... breaks into Last Crumb headquarters wearing a Cookie Monster Costume and makes off with 100 lbs of flour thinking it's Cocaine.
Freshly-squeezed Key Lime Juice. Pucker up. Freshly grated Key Lime Zest. Pucker up. Freshly made Key Lime Pudding. Pucker up. Freshly extracted Key Lime Extract. Pucker up. Egg Yolks for that ooey-gooey texture (and so we can shrug this whole thing off as a “good, clean source of protein”). Sweetened Condensed Milk. White Chocolate. Graham Cracker Crust that holds the bottom of this cookie like a lover’s gentle embrace. And, Marshmallow, torched to such a bronzed perfect that you’d swear you’re sitting fire-side.
Carrots are not only crunchy and tasty, but they’re also highly nutritious. Unfortunately, when you combine a bunch of carrots with flour, sugar, oil, butter and thick voluptuous icing, you get absolutely none of these benefits; literally zero. So, eat a couple of carrots before you eat this cookie so we can sleep soundly at night and so you realize all the Instagram health nuts that talk about how delicious they are in their “raw form,” have never, not once, had a slice of carrot cake in their entire life.
Carrots. Not for you, Bugs Bunny. Buttermilk, good and thick like your grandmama likes it. Walnuts, delectably candied. Spices (sorry, we can’t divulge those here). Raisins. Golden, like you, kid. Orange Zested Cream Cheese Frosting that tastes like an Orange Tree in Southern California decided to get into the dairy business. And, all of this topped with a homemade carrot cake so good we have to keep it under lock and key.
There’s a lot to hate about a Churro. For one, they’re messy as hell. You lay into a Churro for a couple of minutes and you’d swear you had just worked a double shift at Cinnabon. For two, they’re a real bear to transport. Try and fit one in a bag or purse. For three, they’re never consistent. You never know if the person actually making the Churro views the Churro as a beloved art form or a money-making venture churning out sugary fried dough for, well, dough. So, we’ve done the world a service, done away with all the bad of the Churro and we’ve doubled down on the good.
If you think Disney knows a thing or two about Churros, you’ve obviously never sat down at the dessert table with us. At first glance, our Churro cookie seems pretty straightforward: Cinnamon, sugar, butter. But then, like your pretentious friend who did one semester abroad in France and returned wearing a beret... Feuilletine. What the hell is Feuilletine, you ask? Like your one pretentious friend, we’re so glad that you asked. It’s a crispy French pastry made from sweetened crepes. All of this deliciousness is then filled with a Dulche De Leche cream filling. Because, what’s a Churro without something delectable to dunk it in?
She’s lying on the bed wearing smokey, see-through lingerie that you can’t take your eyes off of. Her scent grabs you by the nostrils. You reach out and begin to caress her... You undress her, slowly at first. Then, in a hungry fever, you rip off her garments and toss them to the side of the bed. She’s naked now. Her brown, oven-kissed skin. Her doughy circular curves. Her thick, delicious chocolate chips poke out from her perfectly baked crust. Unable to control yourself any longer, you reach down, you grab her and you open your mouth.
Hand-chopped chocolate, both Milk and Dark, imported from France. Semi-sweet Chocolate Callets (if you want “chocolate chips” go buy some Chips Ahoy). Two kinds of flour. Whole vanilla beans. And, Vanilla Sea Salt to tie everything together.
There were a lot of business lessons to be gleaned in all those lunchroom negotiations. The value of chocolate milk was as volatile as Bitcoin. On beef stew day, the market took such a dip you would have sworn it was 1929 all over again. However, there was one item at school lunch that was essentially the equivalent to a gold bar: The PB&J. If you somehow got your hands on a well-made PB&J, you had the upper hand in any negotiation you found yourself in. If you had this PB&J cookie back then? You’d have been Warren F****** Buffett.
Delicious, decadent peanut butter dough so thick you’ll be tempted to roll yourself out a little doughy blanket and fall asleep. Strawberry galore that fills the cracks in your bones your childhood bully left behind. Reese Chips. And, peanut Crumble
While making an apple pie cookie, we had to consider Jim in American Pie who fornicated with a freshly-baked Apple Pie that Jim’s mother had worked very hard on (pun intended) and whose father walked in on him and was, surprisingly, extremely understanding about the whole pie-hunching incident. And now, all of this brings us to this Apple Pie Cookie that we swear we didn’t do anything to besides bake with the same amount of love that Ben’s mom once baked hers.
Oatmeal, obviously. More oatmeal. Toffee (not the kind in your grandmama’s purse that tasted like mothballs). Apple pie stuffing so decadent, you’ll think it was crafted by Eve. And, finally, granola and brown butter crumble.
The moment the very first leaf of Fall begins to change shade, an army of basic white girls clad in Ugg Boots and Infinity Scarves begin to form. And, seemingly overnight, everything becomes pumpkin-themed. There is, however, something we will forever be indebted to the basic white girl for: The Pumpkin Spiced Latte. We don’t care how manly or brutish a gentleman is. We don’t care if he pisses black coffee. Even John Wayne could have found the poetry in the $10 latte.
No basic white girls were harmed in the baking of these cookies. What was harmed was pumpkin dough, vanilla, sugar, cinnamon, spice and a cappuccino cream cheese so delicious you’ll want to exchange it for your mouthwash.
We aren’t historians. We are bakers. So, some or all of this may or may not be fictional. The Queen of Sheba loved nuts. But, there was one particular nut she loved more than any other nut. The Pistachio.She loved it much so, that she made it a royal decree that no commoners could eat them. In fact, she loved Pistachios so much that she took her country’s entire harvest for her and her royal court. Cherish this Pistachio cookie, because if you were caught with it at the wrong time in history, you would have ended up in prison sharing a bunk with a lepar.
Whole Pistachios. Crushed Pistachios. Roasted Pistachios. Pistachio paste. Pistachio. Pistachio. Pistachio. Pistachio Cream Pipet. White chocolate. Dark chocolate.
Several years back some thieves managed to sneak into a small town in Germany and steal 22 tons of Nutella. To put this into perspective, that’s 22 Liberty Bells filled with Nutella. When we first read this, we couldn’t help but wonder...What were the thieves planning to do with all that Nutella? Perhaps, they were an upstart bakery, looking to roll out a Nutella S’mores Cookie that required a substantial amount of Nutella to make. Perhaps, they were pretty good guys trying to make an honest living. Perhaps, everyone should cut them a break.
It goes without saying but there’s Nutella in this cookie. There’s Nutella in the dough. There’s Nutella everywhere. There’s Milk Chocolate because there can never be enough chocolate. There’s something called a Praline Feulletine Crisp which we couldn’t tell you the first thing about besides that it is sensationally delicious. Then there’s graham crackers and marshmallows because, well, S’mores.